ON SATURDAY, OCTOBER 10, 2012, at 10:22pm, THE DAY BEFORE MY SISTER'S 28TH BIRTHDAY, SHE GAVE BIRTH TO MY BRAND NEW AND VERY BEAUTIFUL NIECE, AMIYAH DESTINY. SHE WAS 6lbs 11oz AND 19in LONG.
I AM NOT GONNA LIE. MY FEELINGS ARE A HUGE MIX OF HIGHS AND LOWS. I AM VERY HAPPY FOR HER. I AM SO GRATEFUL SHE MADE IT HERE HEALTHY AND ABSOLUTELY PERFECT. (MY POOR SISTER HAD A REALLY SCARY AND DIFFICULT PREGNANCY) THERE WERE SO MANY TIMES DURING THE LAST 9mths THAT I FOUND MYSELF BEGGING GOD TO MAKE SURE SHE WAS OK... BUT I AM SAD FOR ME (US). I AM MORE THAN A LITTLE JEALOUS AND I DIDN'T FEEL THE INSTANT STARS IN MY EYES LOVE WITH HER THAT I FELT WHEN MY SISTER HAD HER SON. WITH HIM IT WAS INSTANT. I HELD HIM WHEN HE WAS AN HOUR OLD AND I SWORE THAT I WOULD LOVE HIM LIKE HE WAS MY OWN. WITH THE BEAUTIFUL LITTLE GIRL I COULDN'T BRING MYSELF TO EVEN HOLD HER UNTIL THE NEXT DAY EVEN THOUGH I SAW HER A FEW MINUTES AFTER SHE WAS BORN. I WAS AFRAID. AFRAID OF WHAT I WOULD FEEL. AFRAID OF THE PERSON THIS WHOLE IVF PROCESS HAS MADE ME. I HELD HER THE NEXT DAY AND I FELT WARM AND FUZZY BUT NO LIGHTNING STRIKE.
I LOVE HER. I FEEL PROTECTIVE OF HER. WHEN SHE CRIED MY HEART ACHED... IT JUST FEELS DIFFERENT. MY WIFE SAYS IT IS BECAUSE SHE IS NOT THE VERY FIRST (WE HAVE 4 NEPHEWS BETWEEN THE 2 OF US. THEY ARE 5 1/2, 5, 4 AND 1 yrs OLD) AND BECAUSE OF OUR CIRCUMSTANCES BEING DIFFERENT NOW THAN WHEN MY NEPHEW WAS BORN. THAT DOESN'T MAKE ME FEEL BETTER. I EXPECTED LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT...AND INSTEAD I AM GOING TO HAVE TO WORK AT FALLING IN LOVE SLOWLY. I CAN DO THAT. I HOPE AMIYAH IS PATIENT WITH ME AND WE CAN WORK IT OUT TOGETHER.
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