TAKE TWO

SO ITS BACK TO THE DOCTOR WE GO. I CALLED TO MAKE MY DAY 10 APPOINTMENT FOR WHAT IS TO BE OUR 2ND AND HOPEFULLY LAST NEEDED FET CYCLE. WE GO IN THIS SUNDAY THE 8TH FOR PAPERWORK AND MONITORING. SO IF ALL GOES WELL...SOMETIME MIDDLE TO END OF THIS MONTH OUR LITTLE MIRACLE COULD BE GROWING SAFE AND SOUND IN MY BELLY. FINGERS AND TOES CROSSED. 


...I READ THAT BACK AND IT SOUNDED SO CALM AND COLLECTED. I ACTUALLY DO NOT FEEL EITHER. I AM PRETTY MUCH A FRIGGIN WRECK. I AM SUPER EXCITED AND SUPER SCARED. I ALMOST WANTED TO PUT IT OFF BECAUSE I AM SO SCARED OF IT NOT WORKING EVEN THOUGH NOT TRYING CLEARLY ISN'T GOING TO BE WORKING EITHER. THERE IS JUST A MYRIAD OF EMOTIONS I AM FEELING RIGHT NOW. THIS BY THE WAY DOES NOT BODE WELL FOR MY ANXIETY ISSUES. I AM TRYING MY BEST TO STAY CALM AND RELAXED. I KNOW THAT STARTING THIS WAY CAN NOT POSSIBLY MAKE ANYTHING EASIER IN THE LONG RUN. MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE IS TRYING HER BEST TO BE SOOTHING AND CALM ENOUGH FOR THE TWO OF US AND WHILE I AM SO GRATEFUL FOR IT...IT ALSO MAKES ME A LITTLE MAD THAT IT SEEMS SO EASY FOR HER TO JUST LET IT GO AND LET IT BE WHATEVER IT WILL BE. DON'T GET ME WRONG, I AM NOT MAD AT HER...JUST MAD THAT I CAN'T BE LIKE HER. I ENVY THE ABILITY TO JUST ACCEPT THAT SOME THINGS ARE OUT OF MY HANDS AND WORRYING ABOUT THEM WON'T CHANGE THE OUTCOME. HORRIBLE. I KNOW. BUT...I AM ALSO HAPPY FOR HER THAT SHE ISN'T BURDENED WITH THE ENORMOUS WEIGHT THAT ANXIETY PUTS ON A PERSON'S SHOULDERS. I LITERALLY FEEL LIKE I AM BEING CRUSHED UNDERNEATH IT ON THE BAD DAYS. THOUGH, THANKFULLY, I HAVEN'T HAD DAYS THAT BAD RECENTLY (OR FREQUENTLY). THAT BEING SAID, I GUESS I AM DOING BETTER THAN I THOUGHT BUT NOT AS WELL AS I HAD HOPED. 


SO IN THE MEANTIME I WILL LEAVE YOU AND MYSELF WITH THIS....

JUST RELAX YOU SAY? I SAY STFU THANK YOU.

THIS IS ME ALL DAY EVERY DAY 

SOMETIMES I WONDER IF MY HEAD WILL LITERALLY EXPLODE FROM EVERYTHING THAT IS JAMMED IN THERE. I MEAN FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. I OFTEN HEAR PEOPLE SAY THEY CAN'T HEAR THEMSELVES THINK AND HERE I AM THINKING HOW NICE IT WOULD BE TO TUNE OUT MY THOUGHTS. I HAVE G.A.D. GENERALIZED ANXIETY DISORDER. SO DO TONS OF OTHER PEOPLE, SO BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY I AM NOT DOING THE WHOLE POOR ME THING. SINCE I WAS A TEENAGER I HAVE HAD ON AND OFF MOMENTS WITH THERAPISTS ( MORE OFF THEN OFF) MY COPING SKILLS ARE SUCKY. I INTERNALIZE EVERYTHING AND TRY TO FIX EVERYTHING FOR EVERYONE ELSE WHILE NEGLECTING MY OWN FEELINGS. I CALL IT SAVE THE WORLD SYNDROME. I HATE TALKING ABOUT MY FEELINGS BECAUSE WTF IS THE POINT OF TRYING SO HARD  TO STUFF THEM AWAY IN THAT LITTLE LOCK BOX IN MY HEAD IF SOMEONE IS JUST GOING TO MAKE ME DRAG THEM OUT, DUST THEM OFF AND FRIGGIN DEAL WITH THEM. 

I AM SURE SOME OF IT IS GENETIC AND SOME OF IT IS ENVIRONMENTAL... I HAVE GROWN UP SEEING FAMILY MEMBERS STRUGGLE WITH ALL SORTS OF THINGS AND HELL YEAH IT AFFECTED ME. I HAVE ALSO HAD SOME PRETTY CRAPPY SHIT HAPPEN TO ME...SOME BY NO FAULT OF MY OWN AND SOME BECAUSE OF MY OWN ACTIONS. I WAS AN A-HOLE TEENAGER FOR A SHORT PERIOD OF TIME. I STOPPED. LITERALLY WOKE UP ONE MORNING AND SAID TO MYSELF, "IF YOU DO NOT STOP, YOU ARE GOING TO WIND UP DEAD".

 I HAVE COME A LONG WAY AND AM PRETTY HAPPY ABOUT THE PERSON I REALLY AM WHEN I AM NOT IN MY DARK MOMENTS. I AM FUNCTIONAL. I WORK FULL TIME. I HAVE PRETTY GOOD RELATIONSHIPS WITH MY WONDERFUL WIFE AND KIDS WHO, THANK GOD, ARE NOT A-HOLE TEENAGERS LIKE I WAS. I DO NOT DRINK. I DO NOT DO DRUGS. I AM INVOLVED IN MY KIDS LIVES. I HAVE RELATIONSHIPS WITH MY PARENTS AND SIBLING (EVEN THOUGH THEIR PROBLEMS WEIGH ON MY MIND HEAVILY) WHILE I ADMIT, I AM NOT ONE FOR A LOT OF FRIENDS, I DO HAVE A FEW WHO I TREASURE. MY WORRIES ARE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE'S. FAMILY, MONEY, HEALTH, WORK ETC... MY REACTION HOWEVER HAS BEEN WORSE AND WORSE...AND HONESTLY...I THINK THIS WHOLE TTC BUSINESS HAS A LOT TO DO WITH IT. FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER I ASKED TO BE PRESCRIBED A MILD (.5 MG) ANTI-ANXIETY MEDICINE. I HAVE HAD IT FOR A MONTH AND ONLY TAKEN IT 3 TIMES THIS FAR BUT FEEL LIKE A FAILURE FOR HAVING TO TAKE IT AT ALL. 

I DO NOT KNOW WHAT PART OF TTC HAS BEEN THE PROVERBIAL STRAW... OR IF THERE IS EVEN JUST ONE... I DO KNOW THAT THIS WHOLE PROCESS THUS FAR HAS LEFT ME FEELING TATTERED. THE MONEY, THE TIME, THE MEDS, THE DISAPPOINTMENT. I AM (FOR LACK OF A BETTER TERM) EMOTIONALLY FUCKING SHREDDED. THING IS...WE HAVE BEEN ON A BREAK SINCE END OF APRIL...AND ITS DURING THIS TIME THAT I HAVE HAD TO ASK FOR MEDS. MAYBE ITS BECAUSE RIGHT NOW I AM NOT ACTIVELY DOING ANYTHING SO I HAVE MORE TIME TO THINK AND STRESS. SERIOUSLY DON'T KNOW WHY BUT HERE IT IS. SO HOW DO I PULL MYSELF BACK TOGETHER BEFORE OUR TRANSFER IN JULY? I CAN'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT WITHOUT FEELING LIKE I CAN'T BREATHE. I WANT ANOTHER BABY SO BAD. 

I AM JUST SO SCARED OF FAILING. I MEAN THIS IS IT. ONCE OUR RESERVES ARE GONE IT WILL BE OVER. EVERYONE SAYS TO RELAX IT WILL ALL WORK OUT... ALL I WANT TO SAY IS SERIOUSLY? SHUT THE FUCK UP! IF I COULD RELAX I WOULD NOT BE STRESSING BY CHOICE, GENIUS. ALSO, CLEARLY, YOU ARE  A PSYCHIC IF YOU CAN FORESEE THAT THINGS WILL ALL WORK OUT SO WHY DON'T YOU GIVE ME SOME WINNING LOTTO NUMBERS SO I CAN WIN MILLIONS OF DOLLARS AND HAVE AN ENDLESS BABY FUND AND DO THIS FOREVER. BUT INSTEAD I JUST SAY OK THANKS, AND THINK ABOUT THE PILLS IN MY PURSE THAT I BOTH WANT TO TAKE AND FEAR TAKING AT THE SAME TIME.

THIS WHOLE THING SUCKS. I WOULDN'T WISH THIS KIND OF EMOTIONAL CHAOS ON MY WORST ENEMY. SO I WISH EVERYONE OUT THERE LOTS OF BABY DUST AND LUCK. I WILL NOT TELL YOU EVERYTHING WILL WORK OUT BECAUSE FRANKLY, IT DOESN'T ALWAYS. I WILL HOWEVER SAY THAT NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS I GUARANTEE YOU, YOU ARE NOT ALONE AND YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE EVEN IF YOU ONLY TRIED ONCE. 

A LITTLE PIECE OF ME

NO MORE RETRIEVALS FOR US. I FEEL LIKE A LITTLE PIECE OF MY HEART WAS TAKEN EACH TIME WE WENT THROUGH A CYCLE. WE WERE GONNA DO MORE BUT I AM MISSING TOO MANY PIECES RIGHT NOW TO CONTINUE - I JUST DON'T HAVE THE HEART FOR IT. SO AS IT STANDS WE HAVE A DOZEN FROZEN EMBRYOS. 11 DAY 3s AND 1 BLAST. HOPEFULLY WE WILL FIND OUR LITTLE MIRACLE IN THERE SOMEWHERE. WE ARE PUTTING OFF TRANSFER UNTIL JULY FOR A COUPLE OF DIFFERENT REASONS. THE BREAK WILL BE GOOD. MY HEART AND MY BODY NEED IT.

THIS LAST RETRIEVAL WAS SUPER HARSH. I HAD 10 FOLLICLES, THEY RETRIEVED 6 EGGS, 2 OF WHICH THEY HAD TO PUNCTURE MY BLADDER TO REACH, OUT OF THOSE 6, 4 DEGENERATED SO WE ENDED UP WITH 2 (8cell) EMBIES. THIS TIME AROUND LEFT ME GUTTED AND IN A LOT OF PAIN. I WAS ASKED IF I WANTED TO DO ANOTHER CYCLE AND A PART OF ME WANTED TO BEFORE I EVEN KNEW WE WERE GOING TO LOSE 4 OUT OF 6...BUT THE WORD NO JUMPED STRAIGHT FROM MY HEART AND OUT OF MY MOUTH. I JUST COULDN'T SAY YES. A COUPLE OF DAYS LATER AND KNOWING WE LOST 2/3 OF WHAT THEY RETRIEVED I AM SADDER BUT NO MORE INCLINED TO SAY YES. I THINK MY MIND HEART AND BODY HAVE GOTTEN TOGETHER AND DECIDED ENOUGH IS ENOUGH AND (AT LEAST FOR NOW) WE ARE DONE WITH THIS PART OF OUR JOURNEY AND READY TO REST, REGROUP AND MOVE FORWARD.

OUR NEVER ENDING STORY

JUST WHEN I THINK I CAN SEE THE HAPPY ENDING AT THE END OF ALL THIS...IT TURNS OUT TO BE MORE OF A "TO BE CONTINUED"

LONGEST STORY SHORT- AFTER ANOTHER CYCLE OF RETRIEVAL OUR FINAL COUNT OF 3 DAYS ON ICE IS 10. WE WERE GOING TO DO ANOTHER CYCLE RIGHT AWAY BUT HAVE BEEN PUT ON A FORCED BREAK BY THE DOCTOR. I DIDN'T DO WELL THIS LAST CYCLE OF MEDS AND HAD AN AWFUL LOT OF CYSTS INSTEAD OF EGGS. SO BACK ON THE BIRTH CONTROL PILLS TO REGULATE MY CYCLE AT THE END OF MARCH. UNLESS WE HAVE AN AMAZING CYCLE WE WILL STILL DO ANOTHER RETRIEVAL AFTER THAT AS WELL. WE ARE AIMING FOR A JUNE TRANSFER BUT I THINK MOST LIKELY IT WILL BE MORE LIKE JULY. I AM EXHAUSTED AND MISERABLE AND FEEL BROKEN AND DEFEATED BUT I AM STILL CHUGGING ALONG AS STEADY AS I CAN. MAYBE IT WOULD BE A LOT EASIER IF LIFE AROUND THIS JUST STOPPED BUT ALL THE CRAZINESS AROUND ME IS STILL GOING FULL FORCE. WE WILL SEE IF I MAKE IT THE WHOLE WAY WITHOUT HAVING A BREAKDOWN.

ON A SIDE NOTE, TOMORROW THE WIFE AND I ARE TAKING OR BOYS TO LOOK AT THEIR FIRST COLLEGE. I KNOW THEY ARE ONLY SOPHOMORES BUT TIME GOES SO FAST WE ARE TRYING TO GET A HEAD START. PLUS, IT MAY BE GOOD TO HAVE A MOMENT JUST ABOUT THEM.

LOST

THIS HAS TURNED OUT TO BE ONE OF THE HARDEST THINGS I HAVE EVER DONE. IT HAS TOTALLY CONSUMED ME. I MEAN ASIDE FROM MY WIFE AND OUR KIDS OF COURSE. WE ARE STILL HANGING IN THERE BUT HONESTLY HAVEN'T MADE MUCH PROGRESS. RIGHT NOW WE HAVE THE FROZEN 3DAYS AND WE WILL BE DOING ANOTHER RETRIEVAL THIS SUNDAY. IT SEEMS LIKE THEY WILL ONLY GET 1 THIS TIME. I AM CRUSHED. THIS WAS GOING TO BE OUR LAST CYCLE BUT WE JUST CAN'T QUIT RIGHT NOW SO I THINK WE WILL BE DOING ANOTHER 3 CYCLES BEFORE WE DO MORE TRANSFERS. I AM TIRED OF NEEDLES AND PILLS AND ULTRASOUNDS. I AM TIRED OF FEELING LIKE I AM TRAPPED IN A NEVER ENDING CYCLE OF IN AND OUT OF THE DOCTOR. I HAVE BEEN THERE 3 DAYS IN A ROW AND WILL BE BACK THERE AGAIN ANOTHER 2...5 FRIGGIN DAYS IN A ROW!!! I AM EXHAUSTED. WE ARE TRYING SO HARD TO KEEP POSITIVE BUT THERE ARE SOME DAYS...MORE OFTEN THEN NOT...THAT IT JUST IS IMPOSSIBLE. BELIEVE ME I KNOW THAT 5 MONTHS IS NOTHING COMPARED TO HOW LONG SOME PEOPLE GO THROUGH THIS JOURNEY AND I HAVE NOTHING BUT THE UTMOST RESPECT FOR THEM...BUT WE JUST CAN'T DO IT. IT WILL BE ABOUT A YEAR WHEN THIS IS ALL SAID AND DONE. THAT'S ALL I CAN DO AND THAT'S PUSHING IT. I LITERALLY AM TAKING THIS A DAY AT A TIME...TODAY I AM TAKING IT MINUTE BY MINUTE. HOPEFULLY ONE DAY MY BEAUTIFUL, SUPPORTIVE, PATIENT AND SUPER FABULOUS WIFE AND I CAN READ ALL THIS AGAIN WITH OUR BABY IN OUR ARMS. UNTIL THEN I AM JUST GONNA TRY MY BEST TO KEEP STRONG.

HERE WE GO AGAIN

SO TOMORROW I START INJECTIONS AGAIN. MOVING UP FROM 150IU TO 225IU. SIX DAYS OF THAT THEN BACK IN TO BE CHECKED. I THINK WE ARE DEFINITELY GONNA JUST DO TWO BACK TO BACK RETRIEVALS THIS TIME AROUND. AFTER THAT WE WILL SEE WHAT WE ARE WORKING WITH AND DO TRANSFERS. WE PICKED A NEW DONOR AND ARE PRETTY HAPPY WITH OUR CHOICE. ITS FUNNY HOW SOMETIMES WE WIND UP BACK WHERE WE STARTED JUST TO GET BACK ON THE RIGHT TRACK. HOPEFULLY WE CAN MAKE THIS WORK THE NEXT TIME WE TRANSFER, BUT IF NOT, WHEN THE RESERVES ARE GONE...OUR JOURNEY WILL BE OVER. WITH TWO TEENS GOING TO COLLEGE SOON...WE JUST CAN'T FINANCIALLY DO IT FOR MUCH LONGER. THAT DOESN'T EVEN TAKE INTO ACCOUNT WHAT IT IS DOING EMOTIONALLY.

WE ARE BACK AND FORTH ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT TO DO TRANSFERS AS SOON AS WE CAN OR WAIT A FEW MONTHS AND TRY TO REGROUP AND GET A LITTLE HEALTHIER BEFORE WE DO. THERE ARE A FEW OTHER FACTORS THAT ARE INVOLVED BUT WE ARE GONNA DEAL WITH THE RETRIEVALS AND THEN WORRY ABOUT OUR DECISION ABOUT TRANSFER LATER. ITS FUNNY HOW YOU CAN TAKE THINGS FOR GRANTED.

ANYWAY, OUR BOYS ARE DOING WELL. ALL IN ALL THEY ARE PRETTY GOOD KIDS WHO DO NOT GIVE US MUCH TROUBLE. THEY DO WELL IN SCHOOL, BEHAVE AT HOME, HAVE DECENT FRIENDS AND ARE PRETTY LOVING AND RESPONSIBLE. THEY ARE NOT PERFECT, BUT WHO IS. THEY EACH HAVE HAD THEIR SLIP UPS AND MOMENTS OF INSANITY BUT THEIR BIGGEST PROBLEMS ARE RELATIONSHIPS. THEY BOTH HAVE A HABIT OF FALLING FOR THE WRONG GIRL. EITHER SHE IS NUTS OR HER PARENTS ARE NUTS OR A COMBO OF BOTH...BUT BOTH OF OUR KIDS SEEM TO FALL HEAD OVER HEELS AND NOTHING AND NO ONE CAN TELL THEM OTHERWISE. IT COULD BE WORSE, THEY COULD BE THE KIND OF BOYS RUNNING THROUGH GIRLS BACK TO BACK JUST TO GET THE NUMBERS. HOWEVER, THEY ARE BOTH CURRENTLY IN VERY COMPLICATED RELATIONSHIPS WHICH THEY FEEL WILL LAST FOREVER. THEY HAVE BOTH FOUND "THE ONE" I CRINGE AT THE IDEA AT THIS POINT. THEY BOTH DESERVE BETTER. THEY BOTH GIVE SO MUCH OF THEMSELVES AND GET SO LITTLE IN RETURN. OTHER THAN THAT, NOT MUCH TO WORRY ABOUT WITH THEM. WE ARE LUCKY.

MAYBE WE CAN LUCK OUT A THIRD TIME.

BACK TO START

SO IT DIDN'T WORK. I KIND OF FELT LIKE IT DIDN'T OR RATHER I TRIED TO NOT GET MY HOPES UP AND YET WHEN THE NURSE CALLED TO TELL ME SHE WAS SORRY...IT BROKE MY FUCKING HEART. I HAD BEEN REALLY SICK WITH BRONCHITIS FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS AND I FELT LIKE SHIT THE DAY OF THE TRANSFER BUT WE WERE SO CLOSE THAT WE DECIDED TO JUST GO WITH IT. THE DOCTOR CAME IN AND PUT OUR EMBIE ON THE SCREEN AND TOLD ME IT WAS AVERAGE BUT NOT TO WORRY...MOST OF US COME FROM AVERAGE EMBRYOS. I WANTED TO BELIEVE HIM BUT I AM NOT ONE WHO BELIEVES IN THE LONG SHOT. HE ALSO MENTIONED SOMETHING ABOUT CHANGING DONORS...LATER ON THAT...I FELT LIKE IT WORKED FOR A FEW DAYS. I SAID PRAYER AFTER PRAYER AND SPOKE OUT LOUD TO THE EMBRYO IN MY BODY. HOPING THAT GIVING LIFE TO MY THOUGHTS WOULD SOMEHOW MAKE IT MORE REAL. IT DIDN'T WORK. SO HERE WE ARE AGAIN BACK AT START. NOT A SINGLE EGG OR EMBRYO TO SHOW. WE ARE SWITCHING DONORS (WHICH BY THE WAY WAS NOT FUN LAST MINUTE) AND WE ARE TAKING A CYCLE TO BREATHE...THE DOCTOR IS STILL MONITORING ME AND NOW HAS ME ON BIRTH CONTROL (HOLD LAUGHTER FOR THE SEVERAL REASONS OF IRONY) BUT WE WONT BE DOING RETRIEVAL FOR SEVERAL MORE WEEKS. WE ARE MOST LIKELY GOING TO DO BACK TO BACK RETRIEVALS AND THEN WORRY ABOUT TRANSFER LATER. I FEEL LIKE I AM TORN BETWEEN WHEN AND WHAT TO DO. I GIVE ALL THE CREDIT IN THE WORLD TO WOMEN WHO HANG IN THERE FOR YEARS...I CAN'T DO IT. THIS IS SO MUCH MORE EMOTIONALLY, PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY TAXING THEN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE. WHAT IS WORSE IS HOW HARD I HAVE TO TRY AND HIDE HOW I AM FEELING BECAUSE WE STILL HAVEN'T SAID ANYTHING TO THE KIDS AND WELL LIFE HAS TO GO ON AS USUAL. THAT IS ONE THING I DO NOT REGRET. I DEFINITELY DO NOT REGRET DECIDING TO KEEP THE KIDS IN THE DARK FOR NOW. WATCHING THEM STRUGGLE WITH EVER DAY TEENAGE BULLSHIT AND DRAMA I KNOW ADDING OUR OWN TO THE MIX FOR NO DEFINITE REASON WOULD HAVE JUST BEEN THE WRONG CHOICE FOR US. TWO OF US ARE ON THIS ROLLER COASTER OF EMOTIONS AND THAT IS ENOUGH. I AM HOPING THE NEW YEAR WILL BRING US SOME NEW LUCK AND NEW HOPE.